by Sometimes it’s hard to speak. Sometimes it’s hard to open yourself up, at the same time as shutting yourself down. Being outgoing is hard for some people, myself included. I have never been able to turn on my extroverted side and not care what people think. I think sometimes I am torn between the sides of my personality that, one, wish to fit in and the other to stand out. Being put into situations where if you don’t make friends quickly, you won’t make any at all is truly one I fear. I don’t blame others for moving on from me, but it doesn’t make it less painful.
It takes a while for me to truly open up to people, and many people I think would agree. But it is those first steps that allow you to get to any opening stage that I struggle with. All the relationships I could’ve made always linger in my head. The “what ifs?” are haunting. I just want to fit in, but I feel as if I stand out. Maybe it is from the first moments of anxiety when I talk to someone, and tears fill my eyes. When my face reddens, and I feel it is clear I don’t know what to say, what does come out must draw people away. I have always tried to be more open, but I always seem too late. By the time I can stand up and speak, these people have already gone.
I just want to know what sets people off, if anything at all. It’s hard to change or alter the parts of me that seem stuck forever. The true and raw instinct to be quiet and insecure. Not about my image, but the way I act and speak. I just go to the thoughts of embarrassment and fear. But in reality, these people most likely wouldn’t even care if I like weird things, laugh too loud and talk all the time.
I guess what I am trying to say is for those that feel like me, you are not alone. You may feel it in a room of strangers, but maybe I am there. And all I want to do is have a friend and not have to start the conversation. I guess what I am trying to say is please be patient. Friendship takes time for some, but the results can be clear. The best relationships can come straight out of fear.